Opinions welcome…

There’s a contest this month for the first 500 words of a YA/kidlit novel and I’m thinking about entering with “Comic Squad”. I haven’t revisited the story much since I wrote it for NaNoWriMo in 2008, and I feel this is the Universe’s way of kicking me in the rear end.

Epic begins with action.

Plus it’s a fun excuse to return to one of my favorite stories with two of my favorite characters (Twitch and Alice).

So here it be. If you like it, please leave a comment. If you think it needs more polish, please leave a comment. If you hate it… you can still leave a comment. But tell me why so I have something to work with.

This is for review with an agent, and it’s kinda important. Especially since 500 words isn’t really that many when you get down to it. I had to cut the chapter almost by a third.

So really, any feedback would be appreciated. Much thanks in advance.

Comic Squad – When zealous fans release the villain from a comic book, it’s up to a band of geeks to contain him and save their town… and possibly the world.

Chapter One Excerpt:

“Ah, Twitch. My plan is almost complete.”

Lightning crackled outside an old, dilapidated laboratory, and shadows danced along the dark and narrow hallway. The only light came from a small room at the end of the hall, where trouble literally brewed.

Inside the room stood Dr. Horror, the oldest young man you ever saw. His white hair hung about his head in wild tendrils, a ghost of the lush mane that surely once grew there.

Obscured by tiny, half moon glasses, his beady blue eyes glittered with delight as he held up a beaker filled with glowing green liquid.

“What if it doesn’t work, Doctor?”

The question came from a hulking monstrosity of a man who towered next to the doctor’s slight frame. The voice was deep but he talked very slowly, as if each breath required concentrated thought. His hair was carrot orange and his jaw jutted from his skull in an almost unsuccessful attempt to run away from his unfortunate face. One large green eye dipped far lower than the other, and the mouth seemed to angle in the opposite direction.

This wasn’t a person.

This was an experiment gone terribly awry.

Dr. Horror turned toward his creation with an evil smirk as he answered the question. “Then I’d have to kill you.”

Though easily twice the Doctor’s size, Twitch shrunk back in fear.

Dr. Horror continued as he walked around the lab table. “Once that menace Joe Dakota is out of the way once and for all, I can inject my mind control potion into the most powerful people in Chastenville and they will do everything I tell them to do.”
This information confused Twitch.

“But I thought the mind control potion wasn’t ready yet.”

“It’s not,” he admitted with a dismissive glance. It was merely a minor wrinkle in his plan and he treated it as such. “It’s missing something, and I need time to figure out what that something is. That’s why it’s imperative that we get rid of Joe Dakota first. And for good.”

Lightning lit up the room, sparked off of the unnaturally glowing liquid and thunder underscored Dr. Horror’s cackle of laughter.

A million miles away in a nice suburban park in a nice suburban neighborhood, a comic book closed on Dr. Horror and Twitch. Two pre-teen boys who lay tummy down on the ground shared a glance.

“That’s it,” said one to the other. “Joe Dakota is toast.”

An indignant female voice shattered their boy bonding. “That just shows what you know.”

Both boys looked up to see the four foot, ten inch powerhouse in overalls and pigtails. Alice Thorton used her index finger to shove her glasses up the bridge of her nose. “In issue 47 Dr. Horror finally created the Destructo Bomb and it was supposed to finally kill Joe then. But he walked out of it without a scratch. No measly serum is going to destroy a hero like Joe Dakota.” She reached down and snatched her book back and wiped away the grass blades stuck to the cover. “And what did I tell you about putting my books on the ground without their cover?”

In her eleven year old outrage she spun on her heel and stalked off.

Again one boy looked at the other boy. “I’ll be so glad when she moves.”


2 thoughts on “Opinions welcome…

  1. I really enjoyed it my neice is nine and I’am going to tell sis to let her read it for your target audiences It reminds me of the willies or goosebumps that i liked when i was younger.You have a really broad range on the writtings that you do,it’s incredible your very talented

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