Pre-Nap Reflections

I wrote on Twitter that it’s a very interesting life I lead. It’s almost like a secret identity. The people in my “real life” – my bosses and my acquaintances, and those I work with, people on the street – none of those folks know “Geevie”, or who I know or what I do.

That’s all the other persona, the one that knows famous people, the one that has optioned a screenplay, or been published in a book, or has blogs that are read by people over the world. You know, the person I wanna be all the time but can’t afford to because I’ve actually gotta survive.

On one hand I have a ton of on-line people I know more about and talk to far more frequently than the “real life” people, and I’m comfortable with it that way. Sometimes it feels kinda pathetic, like I’m living a half life, but I get far more out of it than just hiding out from the real world.

I learn something from the folks I interact with daily, more than just the passing “how are you” head nod you do at a place that employs hundreds of people.

I used to think I was just protecting myself and dealing with my abandonment and rejection issues. But I think maybe subconsciously I know that’s not the life I’m meant for so I form no lasting attachment to it. I don’t want to move up the corporate ladder, I just want to do my job, get my paycheck and finance the things I really want to do.

This is the life I really want.

Or do I?

Because I’m equally distant in this second life as well. I’m not driven to make any changes, I like having my safety net. The one that says I can be nameless and faceless, part of the crowd – part of the machine. Just an anonymous bolt that keeps it all running smoothly.

But what would I do if I just jumped off the cliff, safety net be damned, and just tried to see if I could fly?

It seems the only real difference between those living their dream and living that secret life like me, is that they had the courage enough to charge into the unknown – knowing it was more valuable to risk it all and lose than play it safe and never try.

Maybe that’s what this year, this journey toward epic, is really about. It’s about me learning what I really want and doing the steps, every day, to make it happen.

It’s no different than changing how I eat. I want different results, so I proactively change what I’ve always done.

So if the life I really want is the one where I get to write, get to travel, get to experience, get to meet and work with those I admire, then I need to put more effort into it than I have been. A query a month isn’t going to do it.

I’ve got roughly 11 days left in this month. It’s time to get cracking.

I don’t want to be Clark Kent.

It’s time to be Superman.


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