Today was a rough one, had to navigate through some tricky emotional territory. On one hand I got a call from the call center manager with the kind of warning I had been expecting for a while given the time I’ve had to call off for being sick or hurt. It stirred up all the “bad girl” feelings I loathe so much, and it did not set me off on a good foot for the day.
That and I felt like I had been hit by a bus. So so tired and so so sore.
Being chastised is not how I wanted to wake up from my medicated coma.
And the nice lil cherry on that shit sundae was that I got another rejection from my latest query.
I can’t fault the logic behind his video – we really do become what we think we are. And somehow, this is how I’ve conditioned my life to be.
So there’s no time to feeling sorry for myself when I have too many things I have to do to live the life I know I can lead.
It’s time to raise my standards.
I will get my body into the best shape it’s ever been in; healthy and fit and strong. No more of this back going out business and feeling twenty years older than I am. F*ck that.
I will find someone who will believe in my writing enough to represent it or buy it. I have the talent for a reason, and it’s not to languish away here in the nether regions of cyberspace.
I will get my finances under control where I can not only meet my needs but finance my desires as well. There’s too much to do for myself (and for other people) to be this broke. F*ck that too.
I know this sounds hokey but I deserve more. I deserve better. And from now on my routines are going to reflect that.
That starts with putting good stuff into my body instead of all the junk I used to eat. I don’t even want it anymore. The fact I can’t go eat at McDonalds is freaking GREAT. There’s nothing there that’s going to help me reach my goal.
The truth is I’ve distorted my body by stuffing it full of stuff no one needs to eat, certainly not in the quantities I’ve eaten it.
The truth is I’ve never pursued my dream of being a published writer or produced screenwriter beyond tossing a few coins in a fountain with nothing but a hope and a prayer. I don’t deserve to be published yet because I haven’t done the work.
I need to do the work.
The truth is I don’t deserve to have a large quantity of money right now because I haven’t been a faithful steward over the funds I’ve been given in the past.
I need to grow up and stop hanging all my happiness on something tangible that comes with a price tag.
So that’s me being as painfully honest as I can be.
New rituals include doing something more every day to challenge my fitness. I have to start slowly because of my back but that doesn’t mean I can’t do anything. Today I did my PT stretches. It hurts, and it will continue to hurt, but it’s the only way to get better. That and walking – which I decided against today because of the pain level but will definitely do tomorrow… even if it’s only around the building.
Steven gave me a rubdown today and could feel all the knots all over my back from the muscle spasms, and I endured the deep tissue massage as long as I could. And I did feel a bit better, a bit looser once he was done.
So I figure that’ll preface any real activity I do to help me avoid any kind of relapse.
Tomorrow I’m going to query five different agents regarding my work. I figure five a week for the rest of the year tips the odds a bit more in my favor to find “the one” who will trust my work and believe in what I do enough to support me and represent me.
Sure I may get five rejections per week – but as long as I get ONE yes, just one… I’m going to be one step closer to living my dream.
The finances thing will be a bit tougher but not impossible. Truth is I need a better job to pay what I need and to provide the benefits to keep me on the road to health.
So instead of waiting for that axe to fall, I can start making an escape plan.
So there you have it. Where I’m at, where I’m going .. and how I’m going to get there.
I’ve raised my standards, world. You have been warned.