And no real courage to say it.
I think living in limbo has finally gotten to me. Waiting for death. Waiting for the other shoe to drop – it’s all taken a huge toll on my psyche. I’m starting to question everything and the Chatterbox keeps trying to fire itself back up again. “X” is happening because I’m not “insert here” enough.
My first impulse is to withdraw. If things hurt, I move away from them so I lessen the chances it’ll hurt more. That’s what the weight has been about, a physical barrier I can hide behind when things get too painful. A flesh barricade if you will.
That I haven’t lost any weight since I’ve been here is proof positive something is happening mentally to keep me from letting go.
How I’m going to fix this, I do not know.
But waiting for something or someone else to fix it for me isn’t the answer.
I’m tired of waiting.
I keep waiting quietly in the background expecting my half hearted attempts to get me what I want. I’ve been too tentative, too submissive – too afraid to bowl people over with the true power of my personality.
I haven’t wanted to scare anyone away, so I’ve toned it way down and hoped the universe would reward my restraint.
Destiny, however, is for the bold.
And I have to be ready to let go of things (and of people) that would be averse to the boldness.
I’m stronger than this, and feeling this weak and this vulnerable and this brokenhearted is not somewhere I want to stay.
It’s time to start saying what’s on my mind and demanding my voice be heard… even if it means I lose what is – in many respects – unacceptable for me now.
I can either wait for Destiny to find me, or I can tackle the bitch and make her my own.