A little known fact about me: I always manage to keep my cool during a crisis. It’s after the crisis that I come apart.
Well, this time it only took the promise that it would all be over and I turned into weepy goo. I almost quite literally fell apart, and even turned into a sobbing mess right in the middle of the carpool lane on the 91.
Fortunately I am married to one of the most remarkable men in the world, whose strength is my foundation. One call to him and he gave me all the insight, guidance and even the rarely used demand to get this stuff wrapped up and get home to my family immediately.
Another little known fact about me; I have the tendency to fall into self destructive patterns, and I was seriously in one the last time I lived in Los Angeles. It was the give give give and tremendous guilt if I ever asked or took anything for myself routine, and now in these new circumstances I’m trying to do it again. I take way too much on my shoulders and never, ever ask for help before I really, really need it.
And of course by then I’m a basket case.
Thankfully I’ve got a great support team with the hospice providers and the home health care coordinator. They’ve all been such a godsend, taking the reigns today when I ran into red tape trying to get my aunt and uncle released to go home today – which incidentally did not happen.
Hospice got involved and bing, bang, boom – equipment was delivered to the house and the clutter was organized and cleaned out of the house AND I don’t even have to take my aunt and uncle home personally and deal with the immediate fallout of the car situation. They’re going to organize transportation and even orientation for all their caregivers who will set the new rules for my uncle (who I anticipate will take being told he can’t return to his status quo very badly).
And the respect and concern with which these caregivers treat me is icing on the cake. Their concern for me very nearly matches their concern for my aunt and uncle. They’re treating this as a family to care for, not just individuals. Which is very, very cool.
I already told them I would most likely leave by the beginning of next week, so they’re prepared to take the reigns and take care of everything that I won’t be able to.
So after a very rocky afternoon, I was able to find my footing again. Not only that but even with the temptation, I didn’t resort to temporary fixes (alcohol or food) to get me through. I will likely go see someone for a little extra help with some anti-depressants, though.
No sense suffering through when I don’t have to.
Now to go to sleep and start the whole process over again tomorrow.
And tomorrow night… karaoke.
Let’s consult the stars:
“So much of your life now depends on other people that it’s difficult for you to have the autonomy you prefer. But your relationships — business and professional — are less straightforward today because unspoken feelings can alter the apparent dynamics. An unsubstantiated fear can bend you out of shape, so don’t assume there is a problem unless it’s actually mentioned. Keeping a positive outlook helps you work well with others.”