I couldn’t even tell you when it happened exactly but I do know that I’ve lost it. I know this because I hinge it on things on which I have no control, to ensure that I will remain unhappy. It’s a familiar old song I’ve been singing for years.
Want what you can’t have so you can have the wanting.
Used to be I thought I deserved the quiet misery of languishing in the realm of invisibility – with strong arms holding people up so effortlessly they forget I’m even there. I work so well in the shadows that I’m often afraid for the light to even hit my face.
Yet somehow I still am unsatisfied no one else can see me.
It’s a recipe for unhappiness.
I think it has to do with all the turmoil and upheaval I’ve experienced this year. There have been great highs and devastating lows. Emotionally I’ve been caught with my pants down, and all I can do is play defense with the easiest (and familiar) coping skills I know. Which aren’t really coping skills, mind you, but planks of wood I use to keep myself adrift so I don’t drown, rather than just learn how to freaking swim.
I feel like a ping pong ball that keeps flinging all over the place emotionally and it makes me feel literally crazy.
I hate that feeling. Doubting yourself is never a pretty thing.
So I think it’s time for some emotional housekeeping.
I’ve got too much to do for myself to keep chasing my tail for people or things to whom I’m insignificant. My time is far too valuable, and as I was once reminded no one owes me their time… therefore I owe no one else either.
It’s time to get rid of the clutter that makes it entirely too easy for me to fall into familiar and unwanted patterns. I’m a person of value and deserve to be treated as such. Those who refuse to see that will either be clearly reminded or worse… lose out on me all together.
I’m dedicated and I am loyal… but there comes a point when if I have to walk away for my own peace of mind I completely disengage. I have to… because when I invest in someone or something I don’t do it half-way. When I love, that person or that thing becomes a fiber in my entire being.
This would be great if people could feel this back, but it rarely ever works out that way. It’s the curse of the Scorpio I guess. We’re always going to love more than we are loved.
It’s the ultimate control over those things we cannot ultimately control.
I’m too old and I’m too smart to continually get caught up in these destructive co-dependent relationships where I settle for being needed to substitute for being wanted.
As much as it scares me, I kinda think I want to be wanted. Because when people cease to need you, then you’re right back where you started, but yet you’re still drowning in unrealized expectations anyway. And it sucketh mightily.
Worse, it leads me down very unwanted detours where I cease to care about things I really need to care about – such as my health or my well being.
When I start drinking alcohol out of spite, or eating – a lot – out of comfort, I know I’m in a very dangerous position.
So here’s the plan.
I’m going to concentrate on doing things that have purpose. I need to economize my emotions and stop wasting time on things that are hopeless. It’s hard for me to let go of hopes and even people, but if it’s not serving to boost me up then it’s only dragging me down. And I have too much to do in my life to be weighted down. So no more drama. Especially the kind that I bring on myself.
The idea is to lighten up – in every sense of the word.
It’s time to reclaim my happy. For as much as I’ve tried to give it away to other people, I’m the only one who can control it anyway.