It’s kind of funny to see how several people can view singular events. This is where the Evil No Good Chatterbox really gets a foothold, because how we view other people and outward events can be drastically different than their intent.
I’m very fortunate this weekend, especially after the blow the other day, to spend time with people who genuinely care about me and want to have me around. Not because of what I can do for them, or how perfect I can be, but because we can talk and laugh and have fun. There is a comfort level there that I can often take for granted because I’m so preoccupied with all the negative stuff, I often completely overlook the very real gift of unconditional acceptance that I have with several amazing people.
And I do feel restored to have their voices chime in loud unison that I’m worth knowing and worth loving. It’s a internal quarrel I often have myself, especially when I have some emotional trauma like has occurred over the last many months.
I was also able to unburden myself with things that I was rightly pointed out I didn’t need to carry around. I let the opinions of a few outweigh the love and friendship of what really amounts to the masses in my life because I latched onto the negative since, for some fucked up reason, it’s the easiest for me to believe.
As my own worst critic, I can hear ten “you’re awesome”s and one “you suck”, and guess which one will get my focus. In my own mind I constantly fight that “you suck” mentality, so having someone demonstrate to me in word or action my own worst fears about myself totally undermines my confidence and my security.
And it sucketh.
But there is a lesson to be learned in this and I think it has a lot, a real lot, to do with how I’ve slipped back into self loathing habits that just keep this bitter cycle perpetuating itself indefinitely. The only one with control over it is me. And I realize this quite starkly when even the person whose support or acceptance I figured would finally convince me the masses were right didn’t give me the peace of mind I had hoped it would.
Instead I just found something else negative to focus on, despite all evidence to the contrary.
I can’t keep doing this to the people I love. They didn’t sign up to dig me out of my own pits, although they often so willingly do. And they certainly don’t deserve to have the added responsibility to make me feel “normal” (as if there is such a thing) when I’m bound and determined to find fault in just how different I am.
As if different was bad. As I am no one ever has been nor ever will be, and that is a good thing. I need to just embrace all that I am and let the opinions of other people become the non issue they are. As much as I love my friends and family, no one gets the honor of deciding who I am but me.
So time to shake off the unrealistic expectations and give to my wonderful group of friends and amazing family the same acceptance and faith and positive perception that they so willingly give to me.
That’s the only reality there ever need be.