I’ve spoken about this before but there are definite benefits to being what is traditionally thought of as “unattractive”. It’s probably the main reason that I stay fat, or freak out and gain weight back after I’ve made some significant strides in losing the extra weight.
Now of course the benefits don’t always feel so beneficial at the time. In fact, it hurts like hell to be passed over by those who save all their special attention back for those where physical intimacy is the goal. For the “fat girl” of the group, she’s the one who gets to hold the purses or stand to the side while the guys on the make use all their best moves and all their charm on the object of their desire.
Even if you’re not looking for anything, it is a shot to the ol’ ego that has already established you’re not good enough, pretty enough, desirable enough to get that extra special treatment. Basically it validates all the horrible things that Evil No Good Chatterbox has spent a lifetime recording.
It might have had something to do with having a good looking 19 year old take all the thinner girls out on dates, then coming to your house when they failed to put out – expecting you to finish him off after she’s worked him up. And of course you do because you figure it is okay to be wanted for a half hour than not at all.
It might have had something to do with double teaming with your prettier friend, fulfilling a man’s fantasy about two young girls, just so you get some attention… but knowing deep down that you’re there by default not by design.
It also might have something to do with falling for the older guy who didn’t really care you were under age, just that you wouldn’t say no. And of course you could never bring yourself to say no because you were taught from a very young age that you weren’t worthy of saying no.
One “no” unheeded can lead to a lifetime of lukewarm, half hearted yeses that only worked for about an hour. The regret that followed lasted much longer.
With this kind of low self esteem, it’s not only beneficial to be unattractive… it’s necessary.
Because a pretty girl who has these kinds of issues just has more opportunity to get used and mistreated, lied and manipulated. And while she works all this stuff out she can hurt the people in her life who have done nothing to deserve the fallout. Friends she’d betray to get that one piece of attention that proves her poor self estimation wrong. Lovers who are simply incapable of giving her the attention she craves and therefore betrayed because someone new or more exciting fills that rush of “new attraction” in ways more comfortable relationships can’t.
No one suffers more than she does, of course, but the casualties are great, and really good relationships are torn asunder.
I know, because I’ve been there.
So the padding was added to keep people at bay, at arm’s length – in the safety zone.
And the idea of being unattractive becomes a self fulfilling prophesy.
I was told very recently my self esteem is very poor – and I can’t argue this. I put value in things that I do, but when it comes to how I look or value in who or what I am often overshadows it. My accomplishments – which is the only reason I can give for the purpose of my life – too often take a backseat to the value other people do … or in all honesty… don’t give me.
I look for that one person who will validate that negative self talk and I agree with them, and then I hate them for being right.
So I’m safe in a lonely shell of a prison where no one can touch me. I foolishly tell myself this keeps me from being hurt, but the fact of the matter is it hurts more than I would ever want to admit. The truer statement is I’m not hurting you. I’m not faced with decisions where I know I’m not strong enough emotionally to make the right choices.
Being unattractive means temptations are kept at a bare minimum. I don’t get myself into tricky predicaments that would be all too easy to fall into if I had what other, prettier friends have. Attention, for me, is a heady tonic and there will never be enough of it.
Mostly because I cling to it to refute all the negative stuff, and will sacrifice everything to get it. Which, like I said, lasts for about an hour. Which is hardly worth the lifelong regret.
So this is me being as brutally honest as I can be. It’s not pretty, it’s not fun, but it’s truthful. And it’s the only way I can make the changes that make me attractive from the inside out.
As much as I want you to give that to me, you can’t.
I have to find it in myself.
Now I just need to figure out how.