Hurts So Good.

So I finally got over my excuses and dug out my Pilates tape and my balance ball the other night. Good news, the ball AND my back held out. I have had this tape since 2003 and I love the workout because it’s relatively painless during the process… but you definitely feel its effects soon after. I was fine until last night when I started to feel those inner core muscles start to complain.

Even better news it made me want to jump back into it tonight. So two for two… and I’m pretty happy about it. I’ve also been doing a short dance workout even though I can’t dance. I either have no rhythm or am uncomfortable in my body – or both – but I’m just so grateful that no one can see my clumsy beginner attempts.

Every time I get through a workout routine I feel so much better about myself … it really is a mood booster. I really don’t know why I avoid it so much except for that I’m getting something out of being so heavy. (see yesterday’s blog for more details on that).

Even running, which I loathe, I always love that feeling you get after the run. Your lungs are open, your body is flushed with adrenaline … it’s a great feeling.

I will so accomplished when I can run a straight mile. It seems like such a minor goal but it’s kind of something I want to do because I’ve never been able to do it. Those of you around my age likely remember those presidential athletic tests we all had to take in elementary school, where we had to do all sorts of physical activity and be “graded”. My nemesis each year was that damn mile run. So I think that my next major goal is to lose enough weight to start training for that. I read that running is not recommended for folks over 200 pounds because of possible knee damage, and sadly that’s a way off.

But I had an epiphany while in Arlington this last trip to see Hal and the gang. I started this year with the goal of making it epic in several areas. For the writing part, I’ve done it. And the only way I’ve gotten there is just simply DOING it.

The weight is no different. The only reason I haven’t lost more than that initial 38 pounds is that I gave up. I got distracted by life and emotional BS and fell into the same old self destructive patterns.

So by my birthday or by year’s end I can see the results I want if I just simply DO the things I know I need to do.

I wasn’t going to say anything about it because I’ve had so many starts and stops it doesn’t even ring authentic to my ears anymore. Talking or blogging won’t get me where I want to go. I just have to commit to it and do it.

There’s so much weight to lose sometimes I get so weary, there’s really no “instant gratification”. And it’s really easy to get hung up on some numbers on a scale. I need to learn how to enjoy the journey because the journey is what is going to teach me what I need to learn. It’s not unlike Moses and the Israelites getting lost in the desert for 40 years. The reason they couldn’t find where they needed to go was because they were too hard headed to learn the lessons that they needed to learn.

That I’m 40 is perhaps no coincidence.

So what do I need to learn?

That I’m worthwhile. That I deserve good things. I don’t have to be afraid. Especially since fear doesn’t serve me OR my goals.

My body is strong enough and my will is certainly strong enough to make these changes so that I can spend the next half of my life healthier and more fit than I’ve ever been.

Like American Beauty says, it’s never too late to turn it all around.


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