You ever wake up and you feel like you were three steps behind before you even opened your eyes?
It was that kind of morning for me.
I didn’t sleep well, had the second scary (as in monster/ghost) kind of nightmare in two days and got a total number of five hours of fitful sleep. According to Steven he had to rub my back twice because I was moaning from a bad dream. I only remember the one.
Anyway I woke up unsettled and the Chatterbox was wailing on me from the time my eyes unwillingly popped open wide awake. I feel this overwhelming insecurity I think can only boil down to this: I don’t know if I’ll ever be truly secure with men.
The only men I feel 100% secure around are gay men and my kids. Otherwise known as the guys I will never have sex with.
Anyone else where sex is even a hint of a variable, whether it will happen or not, immediately makes them someone who can hurt me and therefore I’m not capable of trusting their motives or their intent.
I have to hide and protect myself from every single one.
To tell you how bad it is I can’t even get fully naked in front of my own husband. And I can barely type the word “naked” in the sentence because of how deeply vulnerable the idea makes me.
And I was always kind of waiting for that magic event that would make me feel better about my relationships but now I kinda get that will never happen. Nothing will ever be enough. And the more I love someone, the worse it is for me.
I realize, of course, it’s not their fault that I feel this way, nor is it their responsibility to make me feel better. I have to dig deep to find my strength or my courage or whatever it will take to get my power back.
I lost it when I was four, gave it away starting at age 14 and I don’t think I’ve ever gotten it back.
Not really, anyway.
Not where it counts.
How I can do this without completely disengaging from the people whom I love – who quite frankly scare me to death because of their immense power to hurt me – I’m not sure.
Right now, in this moment, I just want to run away. And it’s nobody’s fault but my own.