Three Steps Behind.


You ever wake up and you feel like you were three steps behind before you even opened your eyes?

It was that kind of morning for me.

I didn’t sleep well, had the second scary (as in monster/ghost) kind of nightmare in two days and got a total number of five hours of fitful sleep. According to Steven he had to rub my back twice because I was moaning from a bad dream. I only remember the one.

Anyway I woke up unsettled and the Chatterbox was wailing on me from the time my eyes unwillingly popped open wide awake. I feel this overwhelming insecurity I think can only boil down to this: I don’t know if I’ll ever be truly secure with men.

The only men I feel 100% secure around are gay men and my kids. Otherwise known as the guys I will never have sex with.

Anyone else where sex is even a hint of a variable, whether it will happen or not, immediately makes them someone who can hurt me and therefore I’m not capable of trusting their motives or their intent.

I have to hide and protect myself from every single one.

To tell you how bad it is I can’t even get fully naked in front of my own husband. And I can barely type the word “naked” in the sentence because of how deeply vulnerable the idea makes me.

And I was always kind of waiting for that magic event that would make me feel better about my relationships but now I kinda get that will never happen. Nothing will ever be enough. And the more I love someone, the worse it is for me.

I realize, of course, it’s not their fault that I feel this way, nor is it their responsibility to make me feel better. I have to dig deep to find my strength or my courage or whatever it will take to get my power back.

I lost it when I was four, gave it away starting at age 14 and I don’t think I’ve ever gotten it back.

Not really, anyway.

Not where it counts.

How I can do this without completely disengaging from the people whom I love – who quite frankly scare me to death because of their immense power to hurt me – I’m not sure.

Right now, in this moment, I just want to run away. And it’s nobody’s fault but my own.

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8 thoughts on “Three Steps Behind.

  1. One moment at a time? I can’t offer advice but I can say with absolute certainty that writing this is one of the bravest things I’ve seen. I admire you greatly for being strong enough to put this out there. I have my own demons to battle (we all do, of course) but I’m too afraid of others reactions to my words that I keep them locked down tight. Maybe one of these days I’ll feel secure enough to share them. Thank you. ((((GEEVIE))))

    • {{{Courtney}}} It’s certainly not easy. I just write it and hit publish without trying to overthink it. I still feel scared when I do it and if someone came here and was mean about it I’d likely feel worse… but it’s entirely possible that I would be able to get angry enough to find my strength at that point.

      Hopefully we’ll never know.

  2. {{{Ginger}}} One thing I tell myself that helps me and that may help you is the following: “I may not have the firmest, slimmest body or the ‘perfect’ body, but it’s mine and the only body I’ll ever have and I love it.”

    • Thanks {{{Victoria}}}. To be honest I’m not even sure how much body image plays into it at this point. I’m beginning to think it’s deeper than that. I fear getting close to people because I’m scared I’ll get hurt, so I put on the pounds to make sure people don’t get close. If I was thinner I’d have other complications that I don’t currently have, and staying fat has been my way of controlling things.

      Loving my body means I have to do the work to get the weight under control. The only way to do that is to simply do it.

  3. {{{Victoria}}} {{{{Ginger}}}}

    I can tell you that I’m the thinnest I’ve been since 10th grade and that I still am terrified to get close to people. Instead of rejecting me for my weight they might possibly reject me for simply being me and that feels like such a weight to carry. I’m trying but yes that fear of getting hurt is so huge I am simply ALWAYS waiting for the other shoe to drop. And I do mean always. Doesn’t make my disappointment any lighter or easier to bear but that’s something I’ve been working on weekly. Changing an ingrained pattern of thinking is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. And it’s a constant battle. But you’re right…the only way to do it is to simply…do it. 🙂

    • I *totally* get where you’re coming from. I think to myself if I’m thinner I’ll just naturally feel better about myself around other people but I think the truth of the matter is I will be more terrified.

      Hence why it hasn’t happened yet. I think *that* is the key to actually losing the weight for good.

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