Most of you probably know where this is going, or have a good idea, and this installment is probably the hardest one to write.
But, like a bandaid, right off.
By November of 2004 I had lost 70lbs and had gone from a size 34 to a size 24 and that’s about when my fucked up psyche decided to put on the breaks. All I really needed was another distraction, and that came in the form of an email from a certain Hal Sparks.
From November to July of the next year, I floundered a bit trying to hang onto my resolve to become a better me, instead placing importance on a Myspace blog where I was getting a lot of positive attention just for being myself. So when I went to meet Hal for the first time, I was sort of semi-confident. I had a piss poor body image, which I think has remained a constant from the time I was 11, and didn’t even want to meet him at all. I convinced myself that just seeing him perform live was enough.
But after the second show (and another two drink minimum) I finally worked up the nerve to go meet Hal for the first time.
Whenever he turned those beautiful brown eyes my way I saw something I had rarely before seen. He didn’t look at me like I was diseased, like Neal Schon of Journey did the time I met him in person in 1998, and he didn’t try to put anyone between us as he reached out and embraced me as I was. Twice.
Add this to all the other things I knew about him and presto bingo bango… I had another hero.
Thus it became a significant goal in my life to become someone that he could admire. In doing so I’ve made some really impressive strides to become the person I want to be, except in one area.
I’m still fat.
And I think I finally figured out the reason for this.
It’s safe. It keeps me in my marriage, which I have no intention of leaving now or ever. As you can see from my track record, fidelity comes second to my overwhelming need for attention and outer validation. And sadly, that’s always been a sexual conquest. When you’re wired as a child your value is your sex, it really fucks with you your entire life.
But this way I don’t have to worry about my cheating because I’ve made damn sure nobody would want me. (Including Hal. That he’s so out of reach is no small coincidence. All this energy is spent one way, with no fear of it being reciprocated.)
Not only do the scary men who could hurt me say no, but I can say no to hurting myself and everyone else by not having a choice in the matter at all.
The no is implied.
And it has been highly successful.
The problem is I still hate myself and feel like a complete failure because of this one thing in my life I’ve been thus far unable to (or unwilling to) conquer. The “no” then becomes validation of that, and underscores my own lack of self value.
So that made me want to chase down a yes, and I became a little too susceptible to old (bad) behavior. It’s time to put on the breaks.
People call me a survivor for all I’ve been through, or strong for having endured it. All I feel is that I did it all to myself and deserved every single heartache and disappointment.
So the moral of this story is that I get to be my own hero now. I get to cowboy the fuck up and do what needs to be done to save myself. Whether I ever win the admiration of the folks I love or not, I need to find my own admiration for myself.
It’s not going to be easy, but nothing worthwhile ever is.
It’s not going to be pretty as I dig myself out of the hole I’m in.
But I know I can do it.
And it’s high time.