Yesterday was a rough day. It might have been because of the pills I finally broke down and took because of my back, or it could be the deeper I peel back these emotional scabs the more current events feel like alcohol on the wounds. It just hit me all at once yesterday and it wasn’t pretty.
I basically spent the entire day on the verge of tears or bawling like an idiot. And I can’t even tell you what prompted the mass exodus of emotion, the events beforehand were a day like any other day.
I do fight depression off and on but I don’t think it was that. I just think that the dam has been unplugged and what was a minor drip has become a deluge.
I’ve numbed pain forever just by avoiding the feeling. It started when I was four, when I can’t even remember what happened after I was brought home. Those days that followed must have been terrifying but I began what I have come to refer to as Ostrich Syndrome.
Do not think of it and it will not hurt.
It happened in a big way after my dad died in 1980 as well. Even after my son passed away in 1995. Push it down and push forward.
It gives people this idea that I’m this really strong person. Not really… I’m just really good at compartmentalizing emotion. I stuff it in a mental closet until it is so full days like yesterday happen.
Every insecurity I had, every feeling of neglect or fear of abandonment just hit me like a thunderbolt. Those who could see I was in trouble (my kids, my dear friend Shelley, etc) wanted to reach out to help me but I felt like a total lost cause. I basically stayed in my room and just rode the wave till it ebbed.
I’m not quite sure it has entirely.
In the midst of the chaos I decided to simplify my life a little bit. I have a lot on my plate right now that demands my attention and while I like my little distractions (and, in fact, have needed them since about 2004), it doesn’t feel healthy to me anymore to be involved in some of these pass-times if things are going to hit me as hard as they did today.
I’ve got a ton of stuff to do that I can’t get sidelined right now. I only have four months left of my “epic” year and I have a lot to do to catch up to some of my goals. So I think I’m going to spend the next few weeks or months focusing on that rather than spending so much time on other people. Especially one way relationships. Not to say they’re not worth it – if I love someone they’re worth it -but I need to find my own worth and I’m not so sure I can do that and keep up the things I have been doing.
It’s just the way it has to be for the time being, to make me a better person for *everyone* in the long run.
But I am realistic to know it’s easier said than done. I can only take it one day at a time.
Let’s just hope tomorrow is a lot more clear headed and a lot less teary. Given the next wound I have to dig out, though, I highly doubt it.