Time to Simplify

Yesterday was a rough day. It might have been because of the pills I finally broke down and took because of my back, or it could be the deeper I peel back these emotional scabs the more current events feel like alcohol on the wounds. It just hit me all at once yesterday and it wasn’t pretty.

I basically spent the entire day on the verge of tears or bawling like an idiot. And I can’t even tell you what prompted the mass exodus of emotion, the events beforehand were a day like any other day.

I do fight depression off and on but I don’t think it was that. I just think that the dam has been unplugged and what was a minor drip has become a deluge.

I’ve numbed pain forever just by avoiding the feeling. It started when I was four, when I can’t even remember what happened after I was brought home. Those days that followed must have been terrifying but I began what I have come to refer to as Ostrich Syndrome.

Do not think of it and it will not hurt.

It happened in a big way after my dad died in 1980 as well. Even after my son passed away in 1995. Push it down and push forward.

It gives people this idea that I’m this really strong person. Not really… I’m just really good at compartmentalizing emotion. I stuff it in a mental closet until it is so full days like yesterday happen.

Every insecurity I had, every feeling of neglect or fear of abandonment just hit me like a thunderbolt. Those who could see I was in trouble (my kids, my dear friend Shelley, etc) wanted to reach out to help me but I felt like a total lost cause. I basically stayed in my room and just rode the wave till it ebbed.

I’m not quite sure it has entirely.

In the midst of the chaos I decided to simplify my life a little bit. I have a lot on my plate right now that demands my attention and while I like my little distractions (and, in fact, have needed them since about 2004), it doesn’t feel healthy to me anymore to be involved in some of these pass-times if things are going to hit me as hard as they did today.

I’ve got a ton of stuff to do that I can’t get sidelined right now. I only have four months left of my “epic” year and I have a lot to do to catch up to some of my goals. So I think I’m going to spend the next few weeks or months focusing on that rather than spending so much time on other people. Especially one way relationships. Not to say they’re not worth it – if I love someone they’re worth it -but I need to find my own worth and I’m not so sure I can do that and keep up the things I have been doing.

It’s just the way it has to be for the time being, to make me a better person for *everyone* in the long run.

But I am realistic to know it’s easier said than done. I can only take it one day at a time.

Let’s just hope tomorrow is a lot more clear headed and a lot less teary. Given the next wound I have to dig out, though, I highly doubt it.

Stay tuned…


10 thoughts on “Time to Simplify

  1. *big squeezy hugs*

    Do what you need to do to achieve your goal. I’m behind you 100 percent (OK, not really 100 percent, but as much as I can contribute! – you get what I mean. *wink*).

    If certain relationships and things are unhealthy for you, the right people will respect your need to focus on your own needs. As Mark Twain said, “Never allow someone to be your priority, while allowing yourself to be their option.”

    1. “Never allow someone to be your priority, while allowing yourself to be their option.”

      Amen to that. It’s a very painful place to be.

      {{{Heather}}} Thanks so much 🙂

  2. crying is good for the soul. it’s cleansing. don’t run away from it. when something bad happens to you, it’s what you wanna do…

    YOU are worth all of this. YOU are AMAZING! your emotions are your strength. being vulnerable is good! & it took me a long time to realize that. & it’s still hard for me sometimes.

    make yourself happy. don’t worry about anyone else. they are responsible for their own happiness. you take one step at a time. that’s progress! no matter how slow or how fast you wanna go. you’re still moving. still evolving. still achieving enlightenment.

    it took me a long time to figure out that it doesn’t matter what ppl think. of course, I want to know what my close friends think about things, but the ppl I don’t know or don’t care about, fuck em. it’s just you and your inner circle…

    things that happened to you make you into the person you are today. when my mom died, the wheels were set in motion for me to move to tx, go to school, go to grad school, go to CA & meet everyone. if I would change it, if my mom were alive, none of this would’ve happened…

    don’t run away from your past. thank God for everything that has happened to you; that has led you to this point. that has led you to us. I am very thankful for that! I will keep reminding you until you believe it. & until you live it: YOU ARE LOVED!!! & YOU ARE AMAZING!!! don’t let anyone else tell you differently. & if they do, tell em to fuck off, cause you know better! you have my number. call me if you EVER need to talk it all out…

    1. {{{{Michelle}}}} Thank you so much for reminding me what I had already known but somehow forgotten. I’m grateful for your friendships and you’re absolutely right. Everything had its purpose to get me where I needed to go.

      I thank God for all of you! ❤

  3. I have Ostrich Syndrome to some degree, too. I bury feelings so I can function in my job/responsibilities and think I’m “over” something when one day, I’ll just have a breakdown for what seems to be no apparent reason. I think we have to do better so we can be better for ourselves and others. Please know you can always count on me.

    And yesterday must’ve been bad back day because my lower back on the right is twisted or something. I don’t know how it happened, but it’s awful. I can’t sit for too long. It’s better today than yesterday, though. You also have my phone number, too, so please call me when you want/need.


    1. {{{Victoria}}}} Thanks 🙂

      Yeah back pain is not fun at all – there’s no way to get any relief seems like and you’re just at its mercy.

      Get some rest and maybe soak in a hot tub to loosen up the muscles. That helps me sometimes.

  4. Exactly. I took a hot bath last night and used a roll-on over the counter painkiller, and it helped. It’s still sore, but I’m noticing improvement. It just sucks because I have lots of work to do for the first day of school tomorrow and I also want to work out but can’t because of it. Also, I missed church because I was afraid it’d be unsafe to drive for too long. Oh well. It’ll get better. Anyway, that’s why I wasn’t online much yesterday.

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