Cosmic.


Today’s horoscope:

“If you are psychically sensitive enough, you could pick up on messages from other dimensions today. However, even if you don’t hear anything, you’ll still know that something different is happening now. Either way, rest assured that you are in tune with a transformative cosmic song that’s being played for you, whether or not you can make out the words. Giving yourself time and space to listen can increase the positive impact of this experience.”

This kind of made me happy somehow. Things in the cosmos happening just for me, I kinda dig that. I’m sure it happens all the time we’re just unaware, maybe it is time to be more aware. I spend a lot of time throwing energy out into the universe with nothing but faith that it will return to me in a positive way. Unfortunately this turns all the focus onto what I’m doing rather than what is happening around me.

You miss out on tiny miracles that way.

Not to mention when the fates align that force you to be still – as I’ve had to be with the labyrinthitis – the stillness can drive you nutso. You’re not trained to recognize the distant echoes of this inevitable cosmic song.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again; I truly believe that this universe is reciprocal. Every action is like a boomerang. You toss out negativity, that’s what you get back. If you send mean, nasty behavior out into the cosmos, inevitably it will come back.

It may not always come back immediately or in exactly the same way, but I’m a firm believer that it will.

That makes it easy not to seek revenge on people even when you feel you’ve been wronged. You know that karma will ultimately punish them far more severely than you ever could, and so the best revenge is always living well.

Of course, this type of mindset is also the hardest to maintain due to its high level of surrender. Like anyone else, I’ve been frustrated when I see people who do uncool things to get farther in the world and actually succeed at getting what they want, when I’ve chosen to lay the path a little more honorably and am often left without. I’m not an aggressive person who breaks down doors to get what I want, that’s just not my personality.

I’m too nice. I know this.

Inevitably I wind up attracting a course few who are more assertive, who sail right on past me and forget me once they’re gone.

I’m a nice stepping stone who won’t stand in the way of other people getting what they want, and will in fact do all that I can to facilitate it. Nobody knows what I do behind the scenes for other people, similar people I know won’t be running over anyone else to get something that they want or need.

And I do all this assuming that no one is out there doing this for me. I’m often the handmaiden of the cosmos but I figure the cosmos kind of forgets I’m alive.

Maybe that’s because I don’t feel I deserve to be treated the way that I treat others. If I looked out for myself the way I look out for other people, perhaps I would be a lot further along in my dreams than I already am.

I’m nearly 41. The clock is ticking. And I still feel like my life is on hold.

I take chances but I don’t take risks because I’m afraid that I will fail in a spectacularly dramatic way. I don’t deserve the best, therefore I never reach for it. I’m too afraid of being rejected. I assume people won’t like me for me because I clearly don’t. So I suck it up and help other people succeed where I fail, simply because I won’t even try.

This year has had a LOT of that. I’ve allowed myself to be really emotionally hurt by family and friends, allowed myself to think that I’m not worthy of those things in life I want most.

So maybe it’s time I learn to lean on faith; that all the seeds I’ve sown will produce a harvest like I’ve never expected. Maybe it’s time to stop looking at the top rung of the ladder and beat myself because I haven’t reached it, and instead recognize that I’ve already climbed as far as I have.

Which is pretty cool if I stop, take a minute and consider it.

Perhaps that is what the stillness is trying to teach me. To put my trust that I’ve sent out enough love, light and positivity into the world that it is all rushing toward me… not because of what I’ve done but because of who I am. And that is good enough for everything I want.

It’s time to stop and listen for that faint hum to become a roar.

Because I not only deserve good things but this year has been full of great things happening to me I never expected. One day I was unsure, the next day I was convinced. Like the turn of a page, another day opens up a world of opportunity to change everything… to manifest my dreams.

I just need to pay attention to what the cosmos is trying to tell me.

It’s my time… and I need not be anything other than what I am.

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