Scattered. Discontent. Disillusioned. Rejected. Worthless.
These are just some of the feelings I’ve battled throughout the last few weeks, thanks to emotionally charged dreams and frank, no-holds-barred reassessment of my life courtesy of an unintentional and unwanted vacation.
Keep me still for five minutes and all those demons I’ve been running from since I was a kid come flooding back; and I’ve had to make the choice whether to finally step up and deal with it or run far, far away.
I’ve been running so much my whole life you’d think I’d be thin by now.
It occurs to me that I don’t know who I am. I think I’ve been operating under several misguided illusions; comfortable little fairy tales which – like the shiny bubble in which they were carried – burst with no real warning, leaving me feeling even more dejected than before.
Now I have to dig out from under the rubble and figure out who I am, what I was meant to do and – quite frankly – what I deserve.
Right now I fear it’s not that much. I’ve skated by. Given little… taken much. Worse I’ve been living a half life focused on the way wrong things.
It could be just the month of September clinging to me with its limp, cold hands or maybe I just sense that my time is growing short. Maybe it’s seeing the empty silence of Greg Giraldo’s twitter feed, the last entry of which held no clue what calamity lay before him.
Life is like that. One minute you’re tooling along the way you always do – the next minute you’re gone from the face of the earth. It can attack at any time, from anywhere… there are no guarantees.
Mortality has a cruel sense of irony.
It occurs to me I can’t accomplish what I want to accomplish if I am too afraid to dip my foot in the pool. I’ll wait my whole life for “the right moment” only to have my last breath stolen from me by a silent reaper right as I get the courage to act on my dreams.
I’ve got too much stuff yet to do and frankly no time to waste.
So sick or not it’s time to pull myself up out of the ashes like the phoenix I was destined to be. Only I can fix what’s broken and I can no longer procrastinate hoping change will just magically appear. It’s time to really engage in my life and squeeze every precious drop out of it.
Forsaking perfection for progress I can only assure you that I’m going to stumble, and I will fall flat on my face at times. But I must press on through all the emotional triggers and say to the world, my past and that thief known as Time you will not defeat me.
I am stronger than you know. And I think it’s time everyone knew how much.
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” – Marianne Williamson