Only on page 34 of Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway and the lessons keep coming in a way I have to go slow just to absorb it all.
This one paragraph in particular was very profound in terms of dealing with people with hyper-egos, which in fact is the opposite of true self confidence:
“In fact, egomaniacs have absolutely no feeling of power – thus their compelling need to control those around them. Their lack of power leaves them in a perpetual state of fear, since their survival depends on the outside world. No one is more unloving than a person who can’t own his or her own power. Such people spend their lives trying to pull it out of everyone else. Their need creates all sorts of manipulative behavior.”
In other words, “I think I’m super amazingly awesome. But I need you to agree, and will suck every ounce of energy out of you to get you to do so.”
Face it, we’ve all known this person. Many of us are or have been that person. We’ve been “faking it till we feel it”, but never doing the steps to really make the transition.
Like we learned from the self esteem blog that comes from what we do – not from the perceptions of other people. That gives our power to other people who, let’s face it, aren’t necessarily invested enough in us to fix what’s broken.
Power becomes nothing more than control, which is an illusion. We can no more control another person than we can control whether or not the sun rises. How we deal with our relationships, then, becomes a lot less about controlling someone else’s behavior and more controlling our own.
That is true power.
I’m a control freak, and I can tell you with absolute certainty it sucks major balls. Control is an illusion, it’s a mirage. I can’t control *anything* outside of my personal body. I can’t control whether someone dies, or violates me or uses me for their own purposes, or someone doesn’t like me or appreciate me for who I am.
What I can control is loving everyone in my life every moment they’re alive and never let a day pass without utter appreciation that it was a gift that was never promised nor guaranteed. I can control how I react to inauthentic people when they come into my life, and how much of my power I’m willing to surrender. I’m never going to apologize for being kind, polite nor generous. I’ll be that to anyone; you don’t have to deserve it. Should you squander it, that’s on you… not me.
I may not can control who loves me or accepts me, but I need to concentrate more on being authentically me and know that the people who would love me will. Chasing after and convincing those who won’t is a huge waste of time.
And I have the power over how I spend that time.
I can’t control if I get sick, if something catastrophic happens. All I can control is how I react to those things that are out of my control. This is what Dr. Jeffers calls the transition from pain to power.
It means I stop being a victim to my life, and taking control over the only thing within my power.
In doing so I will never need to control another person because my self esteem will come from where it should – within.
So if you’re feeling bad today, like life is out of your control, embrace the fact that many things in life *are* out of your control.
How you react to them is completely up to you.
Find your power.
You have all that you need to get you through. And you can handle it.