On January 2 Twittascope came up with yet another tasty morsel for me to roll around a bit in my mouth before it attempted to bite me back.
“Hard work doesn’t intimidate you, and you might even be looking forward to showing others what you can do now. Luckily, you have an ace up your sleeve and could surprise anyone who thinks you might fail. You are capable of being productive beyond everyone’s expectations today. Don’t be concerned about receiving positive feedback; the rewards will be well worth the wait.”
The hard work part is completely true. Anyone who has ever worked with me knows that I’m no stranger to it and not averse to it. I may be fat but I’m not lazy, not when it comes to fulfilling my duties as I feel I’m expected to do. In fact, I’m more prone to go overboard to do more than what is expected. That is probably the one thing that did me in with the best “job” I ever had with Blue Cross Blue Shield, where I would work tirelessly to maintain 100% (or more) productivity, even when working mandatory overtime.
This led to tendonitis, which led to being off work for several months and ultimately led to being fired for not being able to perform the tasks of my job.
It was the beginning of our downward spiral in 2008, which still makes me sick to think about it. There’s nothing worse than having something you’ve always done (being able to lift yourself out of certain circumstances) taken away from you by things you can’t control (ill health.)
Maybe that is why the second sentence is what struck me personally.
Luckily, you have an ace up your sleeve and could surprise anyone who thinks you might fail.
It’s recently become clear to me that certain members of my immediate and not so immediate family have begun to suspect that I’m more of a dreamer than a doer, thanks to certain reactions to my ambitious plan to move back out west to pursue a lofty career.
When you hear it from your kid that he doesn’t think you can meet your smaller goals, it can be quite a ego buster for the big ones.
In fact, it can pretty much level you flat.
This is the same when it comes to a parent who smiles at you and pats your hand, but deep down doesn’t believe that you can make something significant happen simply because nothing in your past behavior has ever indicated that you can do what it is you say you want to do. This is reinforced by their well-intentioned encouragement that you have a sturdy Plan B in effect “just in case.”
Or that if something comes up and you can’t move, (i.e., you can’t save up the money it takes to do it), don’t beat yourself up for it.
All of this touches on my own insecurities that I can’t do it as well, and let me tellya. It ain’t pretty.
Especially when I’m still struggling with health issues that sideline what goals I’ve already set into place, which could very well stem from the fact I *don’t* think I can do this anymore than the people in my life do.
I attract second best – or Plan B – because I’ve decided on some primal level I could never deserve Plan A.
This is a recipe for disaster. No matter how much I’d LOVE to show these people how wrong they are, there comes a point when someone built for self-flagellation just figures if no one thinks you can succeed, what’s the point in trying? No one will be surprised when you fail, least of all you.
It kind of steals the thunder out of “showing people wrong.” Like it has been said, it’s hard to rise to low expectations.
The yin to that yang is that in order to make the expectations of these folks (and myself) rise, I have to actually do what I set out to do. I have to, as my friend Bliss says, MAKE IT HAPPEN.
Her blog underscores the Law of Action; the hard work that takes you from conception of an idea to reality. Since I’m not afraid of the work, that means there is something else going on here that has blocked me from “making” things happen. There is something that keeps me running like a maniac on a treadmill not going anywhere when everyone else sprints past me.
It is something… quite frankly…that has actually interfered with my friendship with folks like Bliss.
To be brutally honest, there are many ways I’m jealous of Bliss. She’s managed to do several things that I have wanted to do and make it look so easy. From losing a lot of weight to making her career aspiration a reality, she’s a little powerhouse that has taken the world by the balls and turned it into the existence she wanted. She, like me, wasn’t afraid of the hard work to get her where she wanted to go… but she, unlike me, has made significant strides to get there.
This hasn’t helped my self-esteem in that I think that she is better than me just because she has had the gumption to actual make her goals a reality. She must be stronger, smarter, braver … something-er to live the life that I have told myself I want to live… but haven’t quite yet mastered, and thus, feel like I don’t deserve.
The truth is she’s no better than me or worse than me… she just happens to believe she is worth the life she chose.
This takes us back to Part One of the series. Without that underlying self-esteem that says I am worth more, I am not going to be able to make it happen. And that’s no one’s fault (or responsibility) but my own.
Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway also drives the point home we have to believe we deserve good things. Without that, the basic fear that we’re never going to get what we want out of life will become our reality. We’ve attracted that simple law to us and suffer the consequences to it.
And until I can conquer the first part of this, I can never make the second part “HAPPEN.” And that’s sad because the truth is I have everything in my power to do just that.
I just have to keep telling myself that not only *can* I do it.
I deserve to Make It Happen.