Unflinching Honesty.


I didn’t realize how hard the food diary would be. Turns out I can write what I eat a lot easier than I can write *why* I eat. I also realized that I eat rather unconsciously. It’s easy to grab a bite here and there as I go to the kitchen, or sit next to Steven watching TV. It’s as unconscious of him to offer up his snack as it is for me to accept.

I don’t *think* about why I’m eating until after I do it, and I think that might be part of the problem.

I knew I was an emotional over-eater. But I’m now starting to think I might be a compulsive over-eater as well.

Here are some of the thoughts I’ve had in regards to food in the last few days:

“I’m not hungry right now, but if I don’t eat that it won’t be there later when I am hungry.”

“I’m almost uncomfortably full but I can’t stop thinking about what to eat next.”

“I know that is more than I need to eat or will comfortably eat, but if I do eat it I will eat all of it.”

“If I don’t eat something starchy or fatty, I’m not going to feel satisfied by the act of eating.”

Interesting discoveries, all. But talk about hitting on all my “bad girl” issues where I feel such guilt and shame attached to admitting it.

So what does it mean? Well, more research of course. And at least I’ll have something of significance to take to a therapist. Although where I’ll find the courage to talk about this face to face with someone is the real question.

It’s easiest to hide behind the words like I’ve always done. People think this is brave but for me it’s all part of a mask. I know I write well and so even if what I say is ugly or embarrassing I somehow feel like it’ll be more forgiven because of the pretty package in which it is wrapped.

If we were to sit in the same room, I wouldn’t even be able to look you in the eye to say these things… if I could ever even say them.

Which is why the vlogs were cracking into some new territory that could have helped me, but I dropped immediately.

Mostly because *I* can’t say these things to myself. I am my worst critic, and whenever I see myself talk about these things I can’t even look my own self in the eye.

OY.

The good news is that even though I ended up sleeping yesterday *way* more than I meant to (no doubt a mix between the remnants of the flu, Nyquil and no doubt depression,) I feel a lot better physically – and mentally – today.

Actually… make that *right now.* I’m feeling better in this moment. My thoughts are still on food, namely the other half of my bowl of oatmeal I don’t even necessarily *want* but feel like I *need* to eat.

Time to put on a movie (It’s Complicated, seems appropriate) and get some articles written.

Apparently I have some therapy to pay for. :-/

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