Limbo.


It has been a confusing couple of months, and I have to be honest that I don’t know where we’re going from here.

Around my son’s 18th birthday he tells me he’s thinking about moving out with some of his friends. After I go to California in October, I am reminded of the pull I feel to be there in order to pursue my career.

When I come back home I decide maybe it’s time to just take the plunge. Our lease is up in the summer, and by then the boys will likely be out on their own anyway.

Steven and I talk about it, and even though he’s on tap for a management program where he works we decide it’s worth the gamble to go back to California. He can work anywhere, I have a job I can do from anywhere… it seemed like a win/win.

Then my 18 year old tells me he had reconsidered moving out with his friends, and what he’d wanted to do was stay with me till he graduates. He’s a bit behind and will likely have to go to class till December of next year to do this.

So I go back and forth with the guilt of leaving my child when he still needs me. But I’ve committed to the change and even when Steven’s told by his company they’re closing their doors in January we figure that’s just one less decision to make in regards to a move.

He goes out and promptly gets a job at another local furniture store that he can start whenever he finishes working at Lacks. Besides which it looks like he’ll get severance pay if he stays all the way to the bitter end, plus a year end bonus. With the commission he’d likely make thanks to the total liquidation… again it seemed like a win/win.

We amended our California plans to include connections from this new job.

Within a week – or less – the local franchise of that chain closes ITS doors without warning… and within days one of the owners shoots himself.

So Steven goes out and tries to line up another job once his job at Lacks ends. A wholesale furniture looks promising but they needed someone to start right away, which Steven couldn’t do since he was holding out for severance pay.

He loses out on that job, so he has to look into something else outside his line of work. He takes a training class to do tax preparation. It’s an hourly wage for a lot less than he makes at the furniture place, but the opportunity for a sweet post-tax season bonus could pay off in the long run… and give us a nifty check right around the time we’re planning to move.

Best of all he’ll go to work the very next day after Lacks closes its doors for good.

Besides, we have Steven’s severance pay and end-of-year bonus to give us a little padding toward our California savings and make the transition a lot more comfortable.

Fast forward to today and Steven’s informed salespeople weren’t eligible for severance pay (of near $1000) AND no one can confirm he’ll get that end-of-year bonus.

MEANWHILE….

I’ve been battling my health and unable to get into any kind of groove with my job AND my computer screen on my laptop decided to short out the day after I get my first rejection of the year.

That’s about the time I kind of had a minor breakdown … wondering if maybe the universe was just trying to tell me something. What does it mean when every plan you make after you make a big decision like a cross-country move gets thwarted by unforeseen circumstances?

Steven told me that I was just scared and looking for any kind of excuse to avoid moving to California and taking a risk.

Yesterday that excuse landed inadvertently in my lap when my son – who just recently ended his year long relationship with his first serious girlfriend posted a Facebook status that his 2011 so far had sucked… that he broke up with his GF and his parents were moving away.

Needless to say, I haven’t any real idea how to process all this information. The rational part of me says these things aren’t really THAT big of a deal; minor inconveniences at best. They’re disappointing and make things a lot less cozy than I had hoped they’d be, but many other people have it much harder than I do so pull up my big girl pants and just fight harder.

If I’m not willing to fight for what I want maybe I just don’t deserve it.

The other part of me feels a bit whipped. I’m tired of being sick, I’m tired of falling short of my goals and disappointing myself and my family. I’m tired of getting kicked in the ass by fate whether I’m trying to live a normal life or reach beyond that to live my life of my dreams.

Maybe the Universe and that Destiny I talked about last week is telling me in no uncertain terms it isn’t time to go to California.

Maybe, just maybe… I’m simply destined to be ordinary… IF that.

Yeah, yeah I know. Get off the cross. You need the wood.

So I really don’t know what it means or what I’ll do.

The only thing I know for sure is that if my kid tells me not to go because he needs me I won’t go.

My job as a mom is way more important than any writer job I may or may not get if I move out there. There is nothing in this world that would make it worth me letting him down or leaving him stranded.

My kids are more important to me than anything.

The trick is not using that as an excuse either. Steven wasn’t far wrong… I *am* scared of really testing the universe to see if I have any place in it based on my talent and accomplishments alone. Nothing in these last few months really indicates to me that my circumstances are going to improve with this move.

What I really fear is that I’ll just face more of the same – or worse.

It’s like I’m standing at the open door of a high flying plane, contemplating a jump but not entirely sure my chute is packed.

It is entirely possible that my son is just as scared as I am. He’s going out on his own for the first time and that can be a terrifying thing. I should know, because I’m essentially doing the same thing. The only thing scarier would be moving to another city like New York without the benefit of Steven there as my partner.

I kinda black out just thinking about it.

That’s why you do that kinda stuff when you’re young. When you get old you know that too many things can go wrong and just how hard of a struggle it can be.

You also get used to complacency. Living a half life safely in the stands is preferable to living a whole life on a tight rope under a spotlight.

Which one am I going to regret most when I’m at life’s end, I wonder?

The good news is that both my son and I are pretty strong individuals who will land on our feet no matter what challenges we face from any new development.

And what those are? Well, maybe we don’t have to have that completely figured out right now.

I’ve decided to to just put things on hold until he’s a lot less emotional after this breakup, and we’re a little more stable after Steven gets settled in his new job. Obviously I don’t do well with variables… and there’s just too many of those around right now for my comfort. Making any rash decisions one way or the other just isn’t the way to go.

I told Steven that we’ll just keep saving and planning for a move. If we do go, we’ll still have the budget we need. If we don’t go, then we’ll have a nice little nest egg. There’s no downside in that.

The whole solution may just be postponing the move by a few months so that I can see my son through to his graduation, when he’ll feel a lot more grounded and prepared for the next stage of his life.

Who knows? He may decide to come with us. I’ve actually got some ideas to incorporate him into screenwriting, since he’s a talented guy who takes after his mama. 😉

So this is me, adjusting to the idea I’m just going to have to be in limbo for a while. I’m going to fasten the seat belt and simply see where things take us from here. No sense worrying about a bunch of circumstances I can’t change.

Maybe it’s time to stop fighting with the oars paddling upstream and just see where the current is going to take me.

Maybe, just maybe, it’ll be right where I need to go.

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