“You just gotta keep livin’, man. L-I-V-I-N.”

If you know what movie that quote is from, immediately I know you and I can be great friends.

But it sums up my thought for the day in that I’m not really trying to fight the eating disorder as much as I’m trying to learn how to adapt my life around it.

Essentially that’s what I’ve unconsciously done for the past few decades, only much to my detriment. I’ve gotten so frustrated that I can’t be like anyone else, those who don’t have to watch what they eat and can just live their life not consumed by what they consume.

Whether I’ve been on a diet or not, food has run the show for far too long. So… in order to get where I’ve never been I have to do what I’ve never done. This means I have to change old habits in for new ones, habits that will ultimately keep me directed away from the object of my obsessive behavior.

First and foremost I have to think before I eat. I have to decide between physical hunger and emotional hunger. With my calories cut down to 1200-1500 a day, this has been quite the challenge. I’m not eating the amount of food I used to, and the portion sizes have confused/depressed/surprised me.

It turns out you can actually eat more food when you eat well than when you eat the bad stuff. Here was my dinner from last night:

This was a bacon cheeseburger meatloaf with spicy sweet potato fries and a tossed salad. Fills up a plate pretty well – and only set me back 400 calories, which is about on par with where i want to be for a dinnertime meal.

The meatloaf in itself is not healthy. It was a Paula Deen recipe (from one of the episodes I watched of her cooking show last week – another habit I’ve had to seriously curb,) and Steven was all about a meatloaf that had bacon in it. I actually found the recipe on Sparkpeople.com, and was surprised to learn the piece of meatloaf was less than 400 calories. As I was preparing the dish, I realized I had 93% lean meat, and didn’t need to use all the cheese or bacon the recipe called for. I really didn’t even see the point in using two eggs since I usually always cook meatloaf with one egg anyway.

So I tinkered around a bit with the recipe and came up with Geevie Takes On: Paula Deen’s Cheeseburger Meatloaf. I cut the fat grams by 8.6 and the calories by 115. Sure I could have made it her way and still stay between my calories of 1200 to 1500, but why spend more calories than you need to? I can shake things up and improvise, and why shouldn’t I? Cutting just 100 calories a day is 700 calories a week. Just by doing that one little change you can lose over 10 pounds in a year.

Best of all my whole family was just as content with my recipe as they would have been the original recipe… and they’ll never know the difference between the two. I was promptly told by all my carnivores that I needed to bookmark that recipe to make it again.

Sure, a portion size was still relative smaller than I normally would have eaten (or my boys did eat,) but it’s okay to have a little bit of something decadent rather than go through the deprivation thing of not eating “the things you want.” Besides, having a smaller portion makes you appreciate each bite that much more. You eat slower, take smaller bites… savor it. You don’t just wolf it down unconsciously and miss the experience of eating so much you need to go eat another piece just to make up for it.

(These are the feelings I live with.)

I don’t have to demonize food or make this one good or this one bad. There are smart choices and not so smart choices. If I were to eat 2 pieces of that meatloaf for dinner I’d have to do without my second snack closer to bedtime. This would make me feel even more deprived.

I’d rather eat several small meals throughout the day so that I don’t feel at all hungry, at least physically.

That way when I feel hungry I can say, okay… it’s time to eat another meal or consider the other reasons I may want to dig into the fridge. Am I bored? Am I upset? Have I made the mistake of watching the Food Network again? Or has my husband unintentionally sabotaged me by bringing in junk food when I sent him out for fresh veggies for a salad?

::glaring at Steven’s general direction::

(We’ll be talking about enablers tomorrow…)

I just have to make peace that this is the way I have to manage my life now. I can curse the fates if I want to but that’s a big, fat waste of time. Because whether I like it or not I’m simply not like that average weight person who can pig out at McDonald’s once a week or once a month, who doesn’t have to police each bite they put into their mouth.

Maybe they can’t walk and chew gum at the same time. Everyone has their own little crosses to bear an challenges to conquer.

That’s just a part of L-I-V-I-N. We may be different, but we very much the same.

This is my problem… but like all problems it has a solution. It just requires some time and a well thought out strategy.

I must adapt, because I am really the only variable in the situation.

Like the Great Bruce Lee said, “Empty your mind, be formless, shapeless – like water. Now you put water into a cup, it becomes the cup, you put water into a bottle, it becomes the bottle, you put it in a teapot, it becomes the teapot. Now water can flow or it can crash. Be water, my friend.”

I, a living, pliable, adaptable thing, have tried to make something rigid and unyielding conform to me… rather than the other way around. I haven’t adapted, and thus I haven’t progressed.

Time to do things a little differently. I’m livin’ my life aware of those things that may indeed make me different. That glass I can’t change to something more comfortable or easy, I can only change myself.

So that’s what I’m gonna do… one minute at a time.

My food diary on Sparkpeople.com.


2 thoughts on ““You just gotta keep livin’, man. L-I-V-I-N.”

  1. Love that movie!

    I’ve lost some inches, but I’ve eaten poorly the last couple of days. I’m going to stop beating myself up, pull myself up by the bootstraps, and do better.

    Btw, that meatloaf looks good! I wouldn’t put bacon in it because I don’t like bacon on my cheeseburgers, but I can change that.

    1. The meatloaf was pretty tasty. And if you leave out the bacon, you will cut down on even more fat. To retain moisture you can add some of the topping of the tomato sauce/ketchup with the mustard into the meat itself.

      Yeah the days of beating ourselves up are over. It only leads to more bad decisions.

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