Heading into week three of being sick… the first week with the Plague – this season’s godawful flu – and then starting week two of bronchitis and its ever so fun twin, pleurisy. Not sleeping well… lots of pain… eating out of comfort like I swore I wouldn’t do… and as a result feeling a bit like a big steaming pile o’ poo both physically and emotionally.
I’m stumbling and bumbling through the things I am doing, including work (finally) and personal commitments that are essentially favors for dear friends.
It hasn’t been easy but I’m a tough cookie. (In fact – dare I say it – the Total Cookie … with Shelley of course.) And it’s been worth it…. overall.
But of course this is where life comes along and throws some old potholes in my way. The sharks definitely smell blood in the water, and this morning was especially tough. Much tougher than it needed to be, certainly. So feeling pretty frustrated, under-appreciated and frankly beat up on top of everything else.
Not a fun way to start the day.
I definitely need a nap and a do-over.
Today’s overall goal – aside from not dying – is to not let those negative emotions become my reality. Every day is a new day to start over and that’s quite simply what I have to do, whether I feel strong enough to make it happen or not. The strength is there, God knows I have a large reserve of it. I think finding the will is more apt.
I’m tired, frankly. I feel like I’m juggling five chainsaws and someone just threw flaming bowling pins at my head.
This would be so much easier if I could finally dig out those last, lingering remnants of the need to please like the festering thorns in my side that they are. So what if people don’t like me? My life wasn’t any emptier without them, and frankly I don’t find it any fuller with people who could gleefully bash me behind my back and call that “venting.”
Where I come from that’s called being two-faced, and I dealt enough with that in my own family. (Note: they’re no longer allowed anywhere near me.)
The second area where I seriously need to improve is eliminate any residual feelings I need to justify what I do, think or say. Those who question how I do things, when the things I do actually HAVE a mostly positive outcome (especially if it helps friends of mine achieve what they want,) aren’t worth answering to, frankly. If you can’t see the positive forest for the negative trees, then that’s not my problem. If I get to be cast as the big mean meanie then so be it… at least I’ve managed to hold on to some type of perspective.
It’s become glaringly apparent I am damned if I do, damned if I don’t, and I’ve been a parent for enough years to know how that works out. You just have to do what you believe is right and let everything sort itself out in the wash. Hard, uncomfortable choices now help make things better in the long run… both in my environment, my physical body and interpersonal relationships.
Plus you learn who your friends are when you’re not afraid to be yourself. Despite the onslaught of mockery this morning at my expensive I did have one person stand up for me and defend what I’m doing and my motivations for doing it. That one, lone piece of support made reading the rest of that hurtful diatribe worth the price of admission. Someone gets it. Someone gets me. That was a lovely thing.
Like Kurt Cobain said, “I’d rather be hated for who I am, than loved for who I am not.”
How much of my life do I want to populate with the other people who accept me conditionally based on whether or not they can agree with how I do things? We’re not talking criminal behavior here… I’m not locking people up in my basement. (I don’t even have a basement.) These are just simple little rules, a handful at best. And… for the record… rules that the majority can and do follow.
Point of fact I wasn’t always in a position to enforce rules. For a good little bit I was just like everyone else and I had no problem whatsoever in following these rules. That’s just a sign of respect. And I would back up anyone who was enforcing it because that’s their job to do so… not just in this instance but in ANY instance.
I don’t have to agree with it to respect it. People are allowed to create their environment… and if you don’t like it you are free leave and create your own.
These are fixable problems, folks. It’s not the end of the freaking world. The greatest human asset we have is the ability to adapt. Find what works for you and do it… you don’t have to make mince meat of someone else for doing likewise just because it’s different.
It’s unfortunately a common problem among my left-leaning friends who feel so superior in their own POV that they mock anything and everything that is different. Yet somehow they think they’re more superior than small-minded bigots who do likewise, because it’s more politically correct to make fun of one group of people than another.
This is an extension of that, from people who share that unapologetic and arrogant mindset. As always I find the level of disrespect mind-boggling. And infantile.
And frankly… unjustified.
Contrary to popular belief I go out of my way not to bully people or disrespect people… and guess what? I get to expect that same behavior reciprocated without being likened to a fucking Nazi.
Making me the target because I maintain a certain level of authority is just silly. Any “authority” I have I was entrusted with based on my history of being fair, being loyal and being diplomatic. This trust was cultivated over years of building friendships and I cherish it more than I could ever express. I would never ever think to blow it by becoming “power hungry” or picking on people who don’t like me just because they don’t like me.
A. I’m not THAT much of an ego-maniac.
B. To be blunt, none of you detractors are worth it.
I’m more than just some letters on your computer screen. I’m a person, and one of the most live and let live people out there. You don’t have to like me but I DO expect you to treat me with the same respect that I give to you. It’s a reciprocal thing that isn’t based on your thinking I can “bully” you. It’s simple human courtesy. I’m another freaking human being. I have feelings too.
Jumping all over them because of your entitlement issues are in fact YOUR issues.
You can make me your whipping boy if it makes you feel better but in essence it only makes you look petty. Instead of coming up with a laundry list of everything I’m doing wrong… look in a mirror. Figure out how YOU can make a more positive impact on the world. Mounting an Internet “rebellion” for all these perceived slights by virtual strangers who impact your world maybe once a week is an impotent waste of energy.
If Steven were here he’d tell me f*ck everyone else and he’d get a good laugh at all the unnecessary chaos and drama. I love him for that. I so envy his perspective that he just really doesn’t give a crap if people like him or not. He has a freedom to say and do anything he feels like saying or doing and doesn’t care at all if people don’t like it. I try to make everything nice, polite, respectful … I care about how the message is received and it *still* bites me in the ass.
This is true of others like me, who are polite and try to give people chances. Only we were rewarded with antagonism… and tested continually to see exactly how many rules could be broken before we ourselves broke.
Which is why over time we’ve had to get a little more stern, a little meaner… a little more militant. To be honest it kinda pisses me off. I’m one of the nicest people on the planet. Why make me angry?
You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry.
The same is true for the other people who get lumped in with me, who have had to evolve right along with the level of antagonism we’ve received. All we are doing is just our level best to make things better and fairer and a little more special than anything else that is out there. We all have the same overall purpose: to honor the brand of someone we respect and admire. For the most part we’ve succeeded, even though it’s been an uphill battle and we still face a needless push-and-pull…. which I don’t see ending, especially in light of this so-called “rebellion.”
Sadly there are far too many people in this world who need something to bitch about, and nothing gets their motor revved like a common enemy.
Guess for right now that means me and others like me.
At least I know I’m in good company.
And I know what we are doing is worth it and appreciated by the person who matters the most. The audience that would find their way to this environment we’ve helped to create responds to it so much better than the negative stuff, and what is shared is more important than just bashing strangers over the Internet. A dialogue is opened, ideas are discussed and points of view are equally shared knowing that they will not be mocked, picked on or made fun of because of it.
If I have to pick a side, I’ll gladly take the on I’m on… standing next to the people I KNOW are my true friends and who have my back.
(and vice versa.)
Suffice it to say it’s not changing and we’re not going anywhere, “rebellion” or not. My feelings may be a little tender but if that’s the only sacrifice I have to make today then I consider myself lucky.
There are more important things going on in the world than this.
All this is is a growth opportunity, especially toward my recovery from the disease to please. Mornings like this certainly put that to the test, but at the end of the day I feel a bit stronger having muscled through it and knowing it’s not the end of the world if a couple of people get pissed off at me for doing what I’ve been asked to do in a way I’ve been instructed to do it.
As much as you may think it’s a personal attack, it’s not.
What we’re doing is worthwhile and positive. And I know the people who appreciate it are the people I need to worry about… not some freepers who get off on complaining about ANYTHING and ANYONE that doesn’t fit in their narrow view of what’s acceptable in the world. These aren’t fans of my friend, they don’t care about what he’s trying to achieve and have any respect for him either… it’s just one more opportunity for them to spread their own snide contribution around the Internet.
(Which might be why they really lost their shit when they were silenced.)
So…enjoy your other alternative chat rooms. Go with my blessing.
I guess I just needed to “vent.”
(And oddly I can do that without making it a public personal attack on specific people and a huge joke besides. Imagine!)
Fraulein Geevie signing off. Sieg Heil!