Fighting the Good Fight.

Apparently after a week solid of the plague and two and a half weeks of bronchitis I’m now fighting of another bout of labrynthitis which is giving me debilitating vertigo, curtailing my efforts to get more active and productive after a month and a week of standing much more still than I had planned.

Yes I know I should go to a doctor but I have no insurance and I have no money. And I’m not going to incur another $800 ER room just so they can tell me what I already know.

I’m actually more worried about my emotional state of mind than my physical body. After being sick so long I’ve really taken a turn for the worse emotionally speaking. Prolonged physical illness definitely has its effects on mental health, and I’m no exception. Not only is time passing by quickly and robbing me of the chances to actually use it for the good, every little bad thing that happens feels amplified by a thousand.

And of course they would all have to happen within a 24 hour time frame.

Essentially every single thing took a hit yesterday. I felt rejected in a relationship, my kid took a spill on his bike, I ran into some snags with money – which was the one thing that had started to look up this past week – and I even found out there might be some legal issues that are going to require me to make some painful sacrifices.

On top of all that I felt horrible all day and could barely walk across the room by 4pm. Couldn’t eat, couldn’t function… was alone and felt helpless and out of control.

I was easy pickin’s for the depression fairy.

The key problem seemed to be that I find my self worth in the things I do. By not being able to do the things I think I should I feel worthless.

And it sucks.

When I look around my house I see that nothing is the way I want it to be right now. The house is dirty, there are things that need to be removed or replaced. Whenever I try to do any small chore I end up flat on my back for the night. And of course what’s important to me isn’t important to anyone else who shares my house (boys) so if I don’t do it, it doesn’t get done. Which makes me feel even more helpless.

I’m not used to not being able to make things happen when I want to.

Not starting something – that I could write a book on.

Having my choices taken away from me, that’s something that’s going to drive me to the nearest effin loony bin.

It’s like the last few years I’ve turned into a toy that God has forgotten to wind. It wasn’t that long ago I was working 12-16 hour days while raising a family and keeping a home – ironically when I was a lot heavier and unhealthier. In the last few years I’ve ended up prone on my back for months at a time unable to even perform the most minor tasks beyond bathing, dressing or otherwise taking care of personal issues.

But take care of someone else in the process? It’s been freaking impossible. And what worth do I have if I’m not doing something for someone else?

What right do I have to ask anyone to care?

I feel so powerless in *everything.* In my relationships, in my physical body… my money… my environment. And the dark thoughts that come from that are thoughts I don’t want to entertain.

Waiting for this to pass is no longer an option.

I’m going to fight like an animal to get on my feet with whatever strength I have left. I don’t know how to do that exactly yet but I know I can’t give up… even though – especially because – the temptation is strong to do just that.

I just have to learn to be like water. I obviously can’t change my circumstances, but I can change how I react to them. This is going to likely require a complete overhaul of my life, and frankly I don’t know where to start. I’m sorely tempted to apply for that show Heavy. Six months away from everything and everyone to fix all of what’s broken scares the ever loving SHIT out of me… but maybe it’s time I get selfish for a while.

The way things have been going clearly is not working. To keep doing them expecting a different result is the epitome of crazy… and I’m not crazy.

No matter what anyone else thinks.

The idea for today is to get my environment in order. It’s a massive cleaning day. I don’t care if my back goes out or I’m so dizzy I vomit every freaking twenty minutes… I’m going to do SOMETHING by God.

It’s time to look Life in the eye and let it know once and for all it will not break me.

I haven’t gone through all the shit I’ve gone through to wind up here like this.

I am not going to go down without a fight.


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