It’s so not been what I planned it to be but I kinda think that’s the entire point of the lesson. I’m one of those weird folks who believes there’s something to be learned/gained out of every experience whether positive or negative… and I’ve certainly had my share of missteps this year. I’m a neurotic control freak who has lost control over *everything* – and strangely I’ve felt calmer about things in the last month or so. I’ve pressed forward to do what needs to be done, reaffirming my oath to being unstoppable, and yet I’m really no different than I was a month ago.
It’s my attitude that’s changed.
I’ve found my voice that says I can say what’s on my mind, even if it’s not what other people want to hear. I can stand up for my feelings because no matter what others perceive them to be I have every right in the world to feel them. I’m able to cut through the bullshit and realize that most of the time people who have negative stuff to say about me or the way I live my life are simply deflecting from their own frustrations and disappointments… and I’m just an easier target.
It’s always easier to point out what’s wrong in someone else than look ourselves in the mirror.
And I’ve got too much to do to try and justify myself to people who, frankly, don’t matter.
The only reason I get pushed to the back of the line is because I’ve allowed that to happen. There was always something in me that said I deserved to come last – that I wasn’t worth more than what I settled for.
Yet, I never could fully give up either. I think there was a nagging center of my soul that believed very much that I *was* worth more and hung in there until it happened.
And it always, ultimately, happens.
Everything I really wanted I got… eventually. I believe that has everything to do with the fact I don’t wait to get it to be happy.
Personally I think that’s what pisses people off the most. With all the stuff I’ve been through I refuse to be a victim of it. I move forward and do everything within my power to turn things around and make a difference. I take every lesson and try to apply it to other things so that I can be empathetic and helpful to others, even if it has had to be from a safe and reasonable distance.
I’m not without my own issues, certainly.
But I’m not going to apologize for being happy. I think that I started feeling the need to do so when I worked for my former boss many years ago and she took out her own pitiful frustrations out on me. Same with my sister. These people had a problem with their own inability to be happy, and thus derived a great deal of glee out of popping my balloon whenever possible.My former boss actually said to me once that I was “too” happy – as if there could ever be such a thing.
So I became insecure when I didn’t need to be. They believed, and eventually I agreed, that I didn’t deserve to be happy because I wasn’t as worthy of good things as they were. I internalized the rantings of these frustrated, lonely, bitter women rather than just lead by example.
Now…. I just don’t care.
It sounds callous but I think I’ve reached that point in my life where I no longer have to reach out and save people to prove I’m worth something. This very eye-opening epiphany happened today when friends of my sons told me how much they looked up to Jeremiah and Timothy, and what great men they were. These were my children to raise and influence, and despite all the hard times and moments where I thought I was failing so miserably I ended up doing what I set out to do: I raised the men I could never find when I was dating.
These are men who will stand up for what’s right, fight against injustice and inequality, defend women, respect women, be courageous enough to commit but smart enough to wait until they’re in a stable place to do so. In a town where kids get married right out of high school, and start families right after that, I have one son ready to go with me to California to follow his own ambitious dreams and another son who works every hour he can to make sure he can take care of himself so no one else has to.
They’re strong, they’re tenacious, they’re brave, they’re honorable and decent. They’re everything I had ever hoped they would be – and more. These men touch and influence others with the lessons they ultimately learned from me. That is the only value I ever need prove to anyone.
So when I get looked down upon because I haven’t made my fame and fortune by the ripe old age of 41, or have a wealth of material goods like others may have, or fit in a certain size dress or look a certain way…all I need to do is look at my kids and know that the last 21 years were not wasted just because I haven’t accomplished some of my goals *yet.* That job was the most important one I had, and everything else (rightly) took a back seat.
I’m no longer going to apologize for that, or beat myself up for it.
Fame, fortune, material stuff… all that is coming. I’ve laid the groundwork and set the stage for something phenomenal to happen. And I know that if I could succeed where my children are concerned I can do anything.
It may not come easy… but I’m strong enough to get through it and make things happen anyway. I truly believe that I can achieve anything and I am destined for more than I have allowed myself to become. It’s time to believe I’m worth it, at last, to open the door and allow the magic to happen.
And that’s what I’ve learned most this year, most especially this last month.
So if you’re feeling a bit paused, take a step back and start thinking about those things you HAVE accomplished. I’d be willing to bet you’re not giving them the attention they deserve. Once you do you’ll really feel unstoppable. And your perception of this is the only one that matters.
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” – Marianne Williamson