Okay. So. Here’s the deal. I’m tired of drama and toxic, negative people. Unhappy sucks, and I’m tired of being expected to suffer through it on someone else’s behalf. This is especially true if these are the same people who would hold the benefits of friendship hostage if I don’t do what they think I should do, who only care about one tiny aspect of my life and not my well being as a whole.
If that’s your idea of friendship, I’ll pass, thanks.
If you really truly know me you’d already know I’m focused on positive stuff: real friends, positive action and self-improvement. I expect that anyone who calls themselves a friend to support this and understand this. I have come to learn that when it comes to true friends my actions speak loudly and the people who matter most (and deserve my loyalty) will be the first to believe the best about me and last to believe the worst.
For someone who blogs so openly about some of weakest moments of my challenges and struggles, there’s no way anyone could miss who I am and what I’m about. I don’t play games, I don’t hide anything because I have nothing to hide.
As such my recent struggles, though vague, have been pretty public. When I look back over the recent past I realize I’ve made some pretty remarkable changes that surprise even me. As a result of no longer seeking outside validation from unbalanced relationships to boost my ailing self-esteem, I’ve grown a backbone. I no longer accept meager crumbs of “friendship” from those who only acknowledge my existence when A.) they need something or B.) they’re so bitterly unhappy in their own messed up life they need a punching bag C.) lie to/about people and events to those they call friends.
I made some serious social changes because I’m finally willing to (and proven the capability of) kicking any such people out of my life and concentrate on my own self-improvement. Anyone paying any attention at all will recognize this, mostly because they didn’t bail the second I ceased to provide any use for them to get what they wanted when I made these drastic, undeniable and completely noticeable changes.
For the rest I no longer hung around the person they truly were interested in, so I lost all value. Initially this was devastating to me, to find out the world I thought I knew was a big fat lie.
But then something amazing rose from those ashes. I realized that the people who stuck around did so because they WANTED to. They know I may stumble and I may make mistakes, but I’m NOT a victim to my life or seeking to make others victims of theirs. I’m a human wrapped up in a goofy, smart, strong and funny package that certainly isn’t everyone’s cup of tea… and surprise, surprise: they’re okay with that. They think those are the qualities that make me so lovable.
I know that’s hard for some lonely people to swallow given their inherent distaste of my size and the life they THINK I should live because of it, but my life is full of amazing people who love me as is, who don’t expect me to change. That wouldn’t happen if I were the person some of these folks accuse me of being.
Instead I have people who actually look up to me and are grateful for the fact I am proudly individual. I follow the beat of my own drum and give others the freedom to do likewise. You don’t have to change to be my friend. I may not agree with some of your choices, and I’ll certainly try to advise you if you tell me there’s a problem, but I let people be who they are.
I kinda think that’s what friends do… they love you for who you are.
As much as others would like me to dislike myself for whatever “sin” I commit by no longer shrinking into these tiny little boxes they want to keep me in, I like myself just fine. I am aware of my faults but they do not invalidate my strengths.
In fact, I wouldn’t have these strengths without learning from my faults. And I personally think my biggest struggles taught me my best lessons in compassion and understanding and endurance.
My husband himself will tell you what he loves most about me is my tenacity and my huge heart. I am positive and proactive and always either finding a way to go in forward motion or helping others to do likewise. I like to be happy and I like to make people happy. Period.
It works best when it happens simultaneously. That’s the kind of stuff I like pursue most and I do NOT apologize for it. .
The people who matter know I’m not nice for “show” just to help further my own self-serving agenda. If I say I’m your friend, if I say I care about you… I’m in there for the long haul. Often I have stayed years past when the people love me most think I should have bailed because I am just that loyal.
Actually, I think that’s because I want to believe the best of people. When I invest into someone I want it to work out and I’ll fight hard to make it so.
Most everyone sees this and knows this is true about me. This is why I have so many genuine (and similarly devoted) friends who are there for me when I need them, who want to be around me and appreciate all the stuff that I do – and bend over backward to repay whatever they can even if I never ask. They respect me because they not only know how hard I work to make my dreams come true they know how hard I fought for the self-esteem to claim those dreams. My life is full and in forward motion… and is SO much bigger than one or two people.
If you are one of the few who can’t see that, please do us both a favor and delete me from your friends list. These limitations are not mine and I soundly reject them. I’m not stupid. I’m not crazy. My whole life (successful marriage, amazing kids, talented and successful and devoted friends, AND the realization of my own dream of being a writer) is proof of the fact I know how to prioritize what is important and get done what needs to get done.
So I demand a lot from those I grace with my friendship, and I no longer will accept the guilt it’s “too much.” A true friend WANTS to see the best in you, does the best for you and treats you like the gift/treasure they think you are. They don’t try to feed your insecurities just so you’ll feel beneath them, just so they’ll feel better about their own unfulfilled lives.
If you’re my friend I’m going to expect that you’re there because you want to be and you are trying just as hard to make your own life great. You won’t waste time with petty gossip about other people because you’re too damn busy making yourself a better person… that takes way too much energy to waste judging/criticizing others for living the life you choose not to.
Also… I fully recognize passive aggressive behavior when I see it. If you think I’m worth such treatment then you are not my friend. And I’ve finally come to the place I can and will block/delete such individuals from my life. Life is too short to be that miserable and I deserve way better.
So if you have a problem, say it to my face. Ask me an honest question and I’ll give you an honest answer, provided it is my answer to give.
But if you’re talking behind my back you can kindly kiss my ass.